Can I explode myself

I haven been myself lately coz i have been feeling down. I dont really show coz thats just me. Im pretty upset with myself coz i haven been reading the bible, praying, talking to HIM and at the end of the day, i most of the time feel very very bad.

Then there's Yiling whom i love alot coz she's someone whom talks about trying to get to know God but i feel scared of her and whenever she says that she wants to talk to me, i get all stressed up coz i felt that i didnt reach to her expectations or i did something wrong. Then she gave me this card last week and i was curious and am still am curious why she gave me the card but until now i dared not ask her why.

Then there's the cell grp. i didnt fellowship with them for 2 weeks coz i want to go home early and not dissappoint my parents. Also coz i didnt feel like going anyway. Also didnt want to go today coz i have to meet up with Pit, Kar & Koon to buy ribbons but i end going for fellowship and its all thanks to Lucas.

Today, was pretty high after Ravi pass me the card to pass to Lucas but end of service, i cried thanks to Lucas but end up laughing. haha

Lucas knew quite some time ago that i like Ravi but there was something that he told me which i some how is losing hope for it since the time i heard about it. Ravi seems to like someone and i feel like i dont have a chance anymore.

Part of me is telling me to give up and focus on school and think that you probably wont get married at all. Other part of me is still like him but dont think to far that he might be yours one day. Just like him from afar.

Have been trying my very best to help Wei Kian not to think negative about life but somehow i feel that i didnt do my best coz i was in a situation myself and if i cant help myself why did i even bother helping people. Tash is useless.

Then there's Ben. I dont even know what is his freaking problem. Why do i have to be the one who have to go thru and f***ing racist thingy. What was his problem about messaging all in capital. He dont have to put his anger on others. I HATE guys like that.

Im already hating my dad and i dont want to hate anyone else but i feel like im left with no choice. I just want to stop trying. ARGH!!!!!!

Maybe you guys should stop praying for me coz God already gave up on me. Im just another useless sinner.

My past 2 weeks in Production

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